Last month the president reported record-high levels of dumbtitude across the nation. There were more ill-conceived pregnancies, wasted days at the office, and hours spent in drive-thru lines than ever before. But how is our nation’s rising idiocy reflected in the culturally, socially, and morally superior college student? The answer lies in the unpredictable checking accounts of 18-24 year olds all across the continent. One minute they’re full of life and possibility, and the next they’re emptier than the Grinch’s heart (pre-epiphany). “Woe!” cries the college student, “Wouldst that there’d be ways / to keep my money mine!” Take these simple tips to heart, and soon you’ll be able to afford the fancy brand of mac n’ cheese. Every. Single. Day.
The first and most obvious step towards healthier finances is to make more money. Historically popular ways of achieving this include becoming king and selling your soul to the devil. The modern capitalist equivalent lies in the business world, where with enough gumption and moral bankruptcy, even the lowliest beggar can become one of the wealthiest people on the planet. The road to a successful business career starts with the entry-level position. Wear a suit and write a resume with no errors in either spelling or judgement (i.e., don’t discuss your two-week stint at Taco Bell), and you’ll already be a better candidate than most. Now you have to sell, sell, sell! Push your product! Stab your friends in the back! Pursue the profit margin! Now you’re catching on! You’ll be staging hostile takeovers in no time.
Another popular, though infrequently discussed, source of income is the lucrative underground drug market. People want drugs, and who are you to tell them they can’t have any? Profession of the homeless, socially neglected, and lazy, drug pushing will get you upwards of 500% return on your investment, making it some of the easiest money you’ll ever earn. Just don’t get hooked; it’s an immediate red flag for buyers. Nothing pisses my mom off more than when her dealer’s high.
Amazon and Ebay have provided an opportunity to make money off of things you already own. It seems like free money, and it’s easy to sell something you’ll regret. You can probably live without your Tickle-me Elmo but not without your fridge. You can ditch the headphones, but not the car. You get the idea. An easy way around buyer’s remorse is to fundamentally change your lifestyle in anticipation of your foolishness by renouncing materials altogether and pursuing a life following the teachings of Buddha. After you sell everything, think of all the cool new stuff you can buy with the money!
Finally, there are literally several gazillion dollars in aid available to students who request it. FAFSA, or “Fuckin’ A! Free Shit Available!” is a government program that siphons defense funding into wasteful government programs like higher education subsidies. God knows which Congress enacted this money-suck, but you might as well use it to your advantage. Funds are traditionally applied to tuition, books, or hard liquor.
It may seem obvious, but if you don’t take money out of your wallet today, it will still be there tomorrow. Lowering your “personal overhead” on expenses like rent and utilities requires sacrifice but is the most effective way to cut spending. For example, if you learn to share a bed with three people and train yourself to see in the dark, you can live practically free of charge!
Most students’ biggest money-wasting offense is eating out too often. The occasional indulgence at three in the morning is fine – nay – necessary. It’s when the drive-thru guy start greeting you by name and/or usual order that you’ve crossed the line. So save your money, your tight abs, and your dignity, and learn how to cook. With some creativity, you’ll be able to live on pennies a day and still enjoy your meals. Can’t afford a force-fed goose for your foie gras? Find a big fat dog on the street and cut out its liver. If you’ve chosen wisely, it’ll be too fat to resist! You ever seen a fat dog try to fight? It can’t do it! It’s too fat! The weaker of heart will have to settle for Pasta-, Rice-a-, or Puppo-roni, all of which are surprisingly good with judicious use of cilantro.
Many people think they can beat The Man by clipping coupons or by only buying things on sale. It’s a start, but if you take cash out of non-participating ATM’s, you’re all but throwing your savings right back into the maw of the nickel-and-dime empire. $2 of every $20 withdrawn is 10% of your income! That could be an extra week in Barbados cheating on your spouse! Stock brokers only charge 2% for their transactions, and they’re making you money. It’s highway robbery in a box, and all you have to do to avoid it is carry your entire savings with you in cash at all times.
Worried about implementing your new financial lifestyle? A personal budget is a sort-of contract with yourself that gives you incentive to follow through, but it also gives you something to ignore, blame, and throw away in frustration when you fail. Projecting your personal flaws onto external objects does wonders for your self-esteem, though it’s not too good for your pocket book. Make a list of your monthly income sources, fixed expenses, and variable expenses, and see what’s left over for personal expenses. If you’ve done your homework there should be, in financial terms, “hella bank” left over. Now you’re rich! Congratulations! Send thank-you tips to: UCSC Press Center, 1154 High Street, SC, CA, c/o Dan from the Fish Rap. Don’t be cheap. I know you can afford it.
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