After years of work, zoologists' efforts to revive the endangered giant panda population have resulted in an explosion of pandas that scattered fleshy debris for miles. Ling Ling and Ka Pow, two of the San Diego Zoo's prize giant pandas, detonated in a ball of sexual frustration when, after months of totally hot tension, they failed to mate. Possible causes of their unrealized union include Ling Ling's constant nagging and Ka Pow's fear of cimmittment. The situation became untenable after Ling Ling presented her Poon Poon for the tenth time that week, and Ka Pow pushed her over and took a nap. The sexual frustration resulted in a one-kiloton explosion that distributed Ling Ling and Ka Pow across Balboa Park and parts of Downtown San Diego. Bystanders were confused, sticky, and relieved that the pandas' conflict had been resolved. "The issues those pandas had, man...it was like a big black rain cloud hanging over my head," said panda enthusiast Tom Suee. "I'm just glad it's over." The Zoo released a statement that read, "Remember: there was love in the air today, if only for a moment. And now that love is dripping from every bench and body in the park. Remember what that feels like. Tell your grandchildren that you were there."
The international financial community is abuzz this week with the news that the European Union will cease working until its demands are met. Citing unreasonable working conditions, the Union will not participate in the international economy until the world sits down with them and renegotiates the global zeitgeist. “Europe has long been seen as the world’s pity case. No longer will we sit idly by and let our violent past define us in the eyes of our peers. No longer will we watch as notions of ‘Eurasia’ dishonor the blood of our ancestors. Europe, as the hub of international travel, will not allow passage through our land until our role as the founders of modern culture is reaffirmed.” Experts question the clout the Union has in the international playing field, as dozens of flights have already been redirected to the less boorish continents with little or no economic impact. When asked for comment, the King of Europe was found to be nonexistent.
“Creatve song structr, evocatve lyrics. Bound to be a classic.”
“The guitr prts are fresh, clean, and exciting.”
“Fuckng great.”
These are just some of the things Staind has been saying about their newest album, Still Staind, due for release November 2006. Following the success of their sophomore I Can’t Even Spray n’ Wash This Out was no easy task. With literally dozens of records sold in the first week, Staind was financially set for life. “It wasnt about the money, though,” said guitarist Mike Mushok. “It was about creatng hip music that everyone had heard befre.” And create it they did. Still Staind is one of the band’s most derivative albums to date, and they couldn’t be more proud. At a pre-release party, bassist Johnny April commented, “The bass licks are prtty sick,” to which drummer Jon Wysocki added, “I like the drms, too.” When asked what the future held for Staind, the band replied: “More of the bst music in the univrs.”
The community was shocked today to learn that a group of avid Rocky Horror Picture Show fans had committed a ritualistic group suicide. The bodies were found in the seating area and on the stage of the independently-owned Del Mar theater. “They were all dressed so strange,” commented lead detective Williams. “Kinky corsets and ripped fishets and the like. It was disgusting; I’ve never seen anything like it.” Theater owners were shocked as well. Del Mar manager Skip Stevens lamented, “We’ve been showing midnight movies for years. No one killed themselves after The Big Lebowski, or Indiana Jones, or Ghostbusters.” Stevens was reminded that these were all much better films than Rocky Horror, and were not as likely to drive an audience to suicide. “Yeah, Rocky Horror does kind of suck,” he replied. The Del Mar will be ready next year to prevent violence when the midnight showing of Hotel Rwanda is expected to draw hundreds of exuberant and costumed fans.
Tomas Olivar of Nicaragua had long been attending political rallies in opposition of the Bush administration. “He’s not my president,” Olivar would yell in defiance. “Seriously, I live in Nicaragua. He’s not my president.” Hundreds of thousands of Americans have united behind his cause and made bumper stickers and inspirational T-shirts galore. “It’s great what Olivar has done,” explained Cindy Mattias of San Francisco, CA. “This is an act of defiance aimed toward a failed election process. Our country is not for sale! Bush: Not my president!” Olivar expressed confusion at the fad in America. “He’s actually not my president. I don’t know what the fuss is about. I voted for Montealegre.”
After a heated 6-game series, the US proudly claimed yet another World Series victory. At the end of Game 2, the US was down 2-0, but after the US’s star pitcher suffered a rotator cuff injury, the US rallied to defeat the US 4-2, cementing the US victory.
“I’m just proud of my boys,” said US coach La Russa. “I had faith all along. Ain’t no country in the world better than America at baseball.”
The 2006 MLB MVPs, Alex Rodriguez and Albert Pujols of the Dominican Republic, joined hands after the victory and chanted “USA! USA! Is the best! Is the best!”
The buzz surrounding Nintendo’s release of the innovative Wii gaming console culminated in dozens of non-lethal electrocutions and two deaths.
“We’re very proud of our system. New gyroscope technology allows for realistic sports and action interface environments,” commented one Nintendo executive. “But... yeah, I guess we’re very saddened by the deaths that resulted from our viral marketing. Haha, get it?! You’re right, that’s poor taste; they died of electrocution. Nintendo Wiiiiiiiiii!”
Six more died today as the War on Christmas continues. This month marks the 2nd anniversary of the commencement of hostilities, and popular support is waning. The country has already thrown millions of dollars in lost revenue at the war, and many consumers are fed up.
“Hey, I just want to buy a GI Ghostface Killah doll with real-life gat action for my kid. I don’t give a shit about semantics,” said Sandra Meyers of San Francisco, CA.
Others have a more personal perspective on the issue. In the now infamous letter, “Randall” of the North Pole wrote of the atrocities being committed daily on the front line: “Innocent elves are being persecuted every day for their rosy cheeks and festive garments. That’s just what we wear! No blood for gifts! No blood for gifts!”
The Elf Manifesto has been largely ignored by the U.S. administration. In a public address, the President announced, “We must stay the course. We will not rest until the holy are eradicated.”
Santa and his followers were quick to deny any religious affiliation. Liberal politicians dismissed the notion and continue to press the “Jesus H. Santa Hates Freedom” war slogan.
Matti Johson, clean up batter for the Little Expos, fell victim to the taunting of the opposing team’s catcher.
Witnesses on the scene quoted the taunt as follows: “Hey batter, batter, batter, batter, swing, batter, batter, SWING!” Johson, a trusting boy, swung and was struck out.
Reached for comment, Johson said, “First no Santa Claus, now I can’t swing when they tell me to swing? What’s next? Girls don’t have cooties?”
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