From the Desk of J. Bruckheimer

To Mr. Joseph Conrad: 

Your second draft is even better than your first, and I must tell you again that I’m so happy you’re working with us. Still, I would like you to make further changes. Perhaps you could move the setting to a happier locale. For example, people love the tropics – say Barbados or the Caribbean! Also, the main characters, while complex, were boring. I would make the story focus less on race relations in post-colonial England and more on pirates. Also, as I was perusing the script, I did not notice the sultry young maiden character we had discussed earlier. I would like to trust our professional relationship, Mr. Conrad, as I can only craft great cinema when my writers follow through. Also, I don’t know if America would watch a movie with so many Negroes in it, so you’d better take them out. On second thought, maybe you can leave one in. Make him a dirty, stinking pirate. If I think of anything else, I will let you know. I was told you were one of the greatest writers of our time, Mr. Conrad. Don’t disappoint me by giving me a lemon.

Best,
Big JB

P.S. This just in: skeletons! Not sure if they’ll be good guys or bad guys. Write them a back-story, just in case.

From the Desk of J. Bruckheimer

To Folgers:

I was recently introduced to your coffee, and (can I say this?) –  I loved it. I would like to option it for development into my next feature film. There would, of course, need to be changes, and it’s only fair you hear them now before you sign anything. First of all – and you’ll appreciate this – when I think “Folgers coffee” I think “Mr. Nick Cage.” He’s smooth, he’s refreshing, he’s addictive. Now instead of being “pre-ground,” your coffee will probably be a mystery/thriller. I found the dark roast to be a bit stilted, so instead we’ll put a map on the back of the Declaration of Independence. Also, while I enjoy your use of Freshness Sealing, I would rather the coffee have historical intrigue and the promise of unfathomable wealth. Please let me make your dreams come true.

Best,
Poppa J



From the Desk of J. Bruckheimer

To the Concept of Good Movies:

You’ve long been in the back of my mind. I’m often wrapped up in other projects, but I’ve been meaning to use your likeness as soon as my schedule clears up. I actually had to comb through “Kangaroo Jack” with the ol’ legal department to make sure we were operating under Fair Use! Luckily, I’m only committed to 2 of the 3 CSI’s next fiscal quarter, and I would like to make my dream a reality. My number-one casting choices are that adorable Jessica Alba as Romance, Bam from Jackass as Action, and an aged and distinguished Gene Hackman as Mystery. Please don’t pass this up. It has all the potential to be my most lucrative movie yet, and I can’t help but think you might have something to contribute to the creative process.


Best,
JB Smash ‘em Pants

P.S. – Let me give this to you straight: I’m moving ahead with the project with or without your involvement. But I’d sure as hell like to have you onboard.



From the Desk of J. Bruckheimer

To the Academy:

Fuck you.

Lates,
Jerry “I Am Movies” Bruckheimer