Capitalism! Pretty great or really great? Few economic systems boast the freedom of choice and equality of class (get it?) observed in the free market. The kryptonite of the corporation – consumer choice – begets the lead drawer of the consumer – competition. Conversely and convolutedly, the kryptonite of the consumer and the lead drawer of the corporation are one and the same: advertisements. From the Germanic advert, meaning “to fool,” an advertisement’s purpose is to get you, the fool, to purchase a product created independently of you and your needs. Any ad worth its salt can sell any product to any fool, but with proper training any fool can resist.

The most important concept to understand is that advertisements are not real. They don’t “just exist”; they are created with the sole purpose of selling you something. To illuminate, let’s observe both the royal we and some current advertising campaigns. Techniques from adcracker.com.

Gap, Left Weave Jeans
Technique Used: “New and Improved”
Most bridge salesmen are full of shit. Gapinc.com writes: “Normal jeans are constructed by weaving denim fabric from the right hand side, which leaves the fabric feeling stiff and rugged. Left Weave alters the diagonal direction of the twill line in the denim fabric and changes the weave direction from right to left.” Even when you dress-up/marry/bone a pig, you’ve still dressed-up/married/boned a pig. Not only that, but Gap’s “Softest Pair Ever” are still right weave on the inside, making them, essentially, inside-out pants. And that’s just silly.

Nikon, Kate Moss and Possibly a Camera
Technique Used: “Make It Sexy”
Flesh and steel meet in one glorious montage of lines, curves, and titties. This camera, in all likelihood, will not give you a mind-blowing beej, but there’s no way of knowing short of an ultimately disappointing trip to Circuit City. Kate Moss brings out the Coolpix Whatever5001’s underweight and dependent side, and she still won’t write back.

McDonald’s, My First Job
Technique Used: “Brand Character” and “Tales of True Users”
Celebrities who got their start working at McDonald’s lie about the benefits of jobs in fast food service. 10-time Olympic Track Medalist Carl Lewis tells the most touching story in which he credits McDonald’s for exposing him to time trials. He refers to the invigorating and character-building practice of timing drive-thru transactions via a large digital clock that blinks red after sixty seconds of dilly-dallying. The life skills Carl took from McDonald’s have culminated in A) public appearances reliving last decade’s glory days and B) hosting sexy tropical and lingerie parties (carllewis.com).

Jack-in-the-Box, 30 Tacos Guy
Technique Used: “Niche Market”
While at the Late-Nite Drive Thru, a thoroughly baked twenty-something has visions of Jack and hits a girl in a bicycle while driving away. Promoting both poor spelling and D’ingUtheI, this ad targets the coolest kids I’ll never be friends with. If you’re a smoker, you’re probably also a sucker, so they hit this demographic nail on the hizzity-hizead.

Burger King, Texas Burger Man Song
Miller Lite, Man Laws
Chevy/Ford, Man Trucks
Technique Used: “Exaggerate” or, anachronisitcally, “Time Machine”
If your TV-to-life ratio is greater than 1, you’ve probably noticed the trend of man-friendly ads on the tellyvision. The patriarchal monarchy thrives in a catchy and well-written jingle about manhood that sells fatty overpriced burgers to poor tubby guys on behalf of the Burger King. Miller Lite recalls a better time in which men were tough, and women made pies. Spokesperson Burt Reynolds’ movie characters ooze masculinity, especially the one that killed the butt-rapist in Deliverance. Burt was always there for me when Dad couldn’t make it. Finally, and ever-committed to the man-genda, Chevy and Ford maintain that your garage fuckin’ loves it when you put one of their big-ass trucks all the way in.

As social creatures, humans are easily duped by the artificial society in the world of advertisements. My modest antidote: consciously disengage from these societies and reconnect with friends and family. Perhaps then you can discover what you really need and move towards a greater personal freedom. Don’t worry about the economy; razors, perfumes and conditioners will always be in demand. Whew!